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Anonymous

Post #769 – 19981110

November 10, 1998

Dear Daniel—

Several years ago when you were regularly doing commentary for NPR, you did several commentaries on your life in Chicago. One of them was on the Chicken Man, and one other was on being a hip, cool artist-wanna-be hanging out in Old Town, and going to the Old Town Tavern and the Oxford Pub across the street. When I heard the one about the Old Town Tavern, I cried!!! It was me you were talking about, I mean I was you, or rather I was just like you! Your commentary took me back to those days—I might have actually been sitting at the next table, actually. I would really like to obtain an audio copy of that commentary, and the one on the Chicken Man if at all possible. I’ve been trying for a long time to explain to my daughter how life was for me at her age, and your commentary does it better than I possibly could. It also shows her that I’m not making it up—-a necessity for when trying to explain something to someone who always says—yeah, yeah, yeah. Also, the Chicken Man is a phenomenon that she has a hard time believing ever existed.

Are these commentaries available in any form and what would they cost?

Thanks for all the wonderful fun you’ve given my daughter and myself with all your books—–especially Lizard Music, my favorite!

Daniel replies:

I am STILL regularly doing commentary for NPR! You just haven't been listening, have you? Admit it. Well, I don't listen as much either since the program got real boring. They haven't been using my stuff as much either...but that is all supposed to change! So come back. (If I have to listen to the blasted thing, I see no reason you shouldn't--and you might hear me!)
There are two out of print collections, FISH WHISTLE and CHICAGO DAYS, HOBOKEN NIGHTS. Pretty rare. People have paid over $100 for one, and others have picked them up on used book tables for a few bucks. Both of them made a profit, but not an obscene profit, so no publisher has shown interest in bringing out another collection. If WBEZ would carry Chinwag Theater, in time, the old commentaries and newer ones available nowhere would all get at least aired once more. Call WBEZ. Ask for the Program Director. Ask for Torey Malatia. Ask them to carry Chinwag Theater. Have everyone you know call. Have everyone you know have everyone they know call. Tell WBEZ the program is free, and will remain free, and we don't care what time they air it. It's on the satellite. 
Thank you.


Evan Sayre

Post #768 – 19981107

November 7, 1998

How many dogs do you have? What kind are they? What are their names? Will they be eating the chocolate cake and drinking the cherry soda pop? What about the barbeque chips?

Daniel replies:

Only two, but they are large. Their names are Lulu and Maxine, and yes they are guests at my birthday-party-in-bed, and will be welcome to partake of the treats, and grovel around under the covers. There will also be tickling and wrestling, and later there will be throwing up.


Joe and Dara

Post #766 – 19981107

November 7, 1998

Dear Mr. Pinkwater,

I once heard a reading of “Devil in the Drain” on NPR and have been looking for it ever since. My understanding is that this book was banned by many school districts and is probably hard to get published for this reason. I think it would be great if it were published on line so that one could download it and print it out. You wouldn’t be losing any money, and it would be a wonderfully subversive way of getting this book out. What do you think?

Daniel replies:

I wouldn't be losing any money, but I wouldn't be making any money either. I wish people understood that I don't really own my own halvah mine, (although I have claimed that I do). Besides, only a couple of places banned it. It will be around.


Melony Marie Turnbull

Post #767 – 19981107

November 7, 1998

Dear Mr. Daniel Pinkwater,

Hi My name is Melony and I’m a student at Worth Heights Elementry school. Your probably wondering why I’m writing the letter to you. Well it is really because I would like for you to come to our school. Thursday we are celebrating your birthday and we also celebrate it every year and it is because we really admire your books. Last year we had over 100 students enter your party. I heard you were very ill and you might not be able to but I hope you feel good and come to your party. My favorite book of yours is Fat Men From Space it was really interesting the best part was when william shock him self that was really funny. Well thats all I wanted to tell you. Thank you very much.

P.S. My name is Melony Marie Turnbull age ten 4th grade.

Love,

Melony Marie Turnbull

Daniel replies:

 I only have the flu! But it is bad. And I am very delicate. So I will not go anywhere, and will celebrate my birthday in bed, with a large chocolate cake, and the dogs are allowed to get into bed with me on my birthday, so it will be a lot of fun. We will also have large glasses of cherry soda-pop. And barbeque-flavor potato chips. And I will put the stereo speakers in the bed. No need to feel sorry for me--I know how to have a good time, even when I'm, sick.


Ian Donaldson

Post #765 – 19981104

November 4, 1998

I currently work as a teacher’s aide in a daycare, and I have just recently introduced the children in my class to The Big Orange Splot. They are all between the ages of two and three and only a few have really taken to the story, but I still read it to as many of them as I can get to hold still because I don’t want to look like an idiot reading it over and over again to myself.

Now, the real reason I’m writing (typing) to you is to find out how I might go about seriously getting a story of my own published. I change diapers for about fifteen kids every afternoon, and while they’re on the changing table they are a very captive audience. Recently I’ve been using this time to make up and recite stories of my own and some of them have been responding very positively. One in particular, who would always kick and scream through the whole ordeal now runs to the bathroom with anticipation every afternoon. Today he even tried to tell the whole story to his father when he was picked up, I was surprised he could even remember it two hours later. I think I might be on to something here. Or maybe I should just be glad I can make a kid laugh without resorting to using the word poop. Either way any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks, Ian Donaldson

Daniel replies:

Getting a publisher to look at your stuff, much less getting it published, is a lot more complicated than it was when I started out in the authoring game. All you had to do then was hang around midtown with a sign reading : ""Will write for food."" Now, there are lots of books, magazine, groups, websites all about how to get published. All I know about it anymore is that I wouldn't have the patience. Anyway, good luck.


Amanda

Post #764 – 19981103

November 3, 1998

What is “the wuggie norple story”?

Daniel replies:

The Wuggie Norple Story is a book. Maybe you can get it at the library. It's a pretty good story. Tell me if you find it, and if you like it.


Ian Stoba

Post #762 – 19981023

October 23, 1998

Here’s an idea I’ve been kicking around even before the Afterlife Diet republication:

Many of us dyed-in-the-wool Pinkwaterites have been frustrated by our inability to find many of the books that have gone out of print. Today, the only way I am likely to get my hands on a copy of The Terrible Roar or Magic Camera is through some rare books scoundrel who would take all the profit without you getting a cent.

How difficult would it be to republish some of these books on the web? I don’t know what the legal difficulties would be (other than the fact that a project like this could only happen with your permission and cooperation).

In terms of actual effort, it would have to be easier than compiling the Hoboken Chicken Emergency was for Hal Johnson, Mary Sophia Novak, and your humble servant. (Sorry, I can’t help but plug it.)

I would even volunteer to run the thing and provide the web server if you were up for it.

What do you think?

Daniel replies:

While I did allow Fat!So? fatso.com to post the whole THE AFTERLIFE DIET a chapter at a time, and then leave the whole book up for a period of time, I don't contemplate doing many things other things like that. Possibilities for reprinting, and collections like 5 NOVELS exist, and I am entitled to try to make a living from the books, foolish as that is. The day is surely coming when an author can earn a dollar via the web, but it's not yet. Meanwhile, I _am_ giving everything away free on Chinwag Theater. We are coming to the end of our first 39 weeks, which will be followed by 13 weeks of repeats. Also some of the material written and read by me will be repeated in the second year...so it behooves a person of taste to create pressure enough to get the local station to carry the program (still free) and then tape it. But that's not the same as text on the internet. It's my belief that the radio program will encourage people to try to buy the books. Of course, they won't be able to find most of them....etc.


Randy Cooper

Post #763 – 19981021

October 21, 1998

I am nearly desperate to find a copy of “the wuggie norple story”. Please help me.

Daniel replies:

Can't help you, Randy. We are in short supply of everything. You have two choices:
1.) pay a lot to a rare book dealer or 
2.) Keep an eye out...you'll find a copy in a bookstore at list price or less.
In many cases, when publishers decide to dump a book because it's not making obscene profits, there are some hundreds or thousands left. These they sell off to a jobber at drastically reduced price, (having first failed to notify the author that he can pick up some copies of his own book for pennies). These books are floating around somewhere, for sale.
In the same week, I have heard from people who paid over a hundred, and less than ten dollars for the same book.


Jeff

Post #761 – 19981020

October 20, 1998

So I dropped by my local Border’s book store as per Mr. Pinkwater’s suggestion, in order to ask them about the “suppressed” book, “The Education of Robert Nifkin.” I marched up to the counter and asked them about it, going over in my mind how I’d say, “Damn good thing, too! I was only going to buy a copy so I could burn it,” or something like that, with conviction, steeling myself, wondering if I’d go through with it.

Turns out they had the thing and it was on the shelves and the friendly woman went and got it for me so I had to buy it or look like an idiot. I haven’t read it yet, but I did read one of your books when I was very young, maybe 6 or 7, called “The Big Orange Splot.” I saw it again a while back, and remembered it immediately. I remember being all fired up in a little-kid kinda way, promising to myself that I’d *never* be so boring as all those grown-ups. I recall the feeling vividly.

I have another vivid memory, from about the same time. My family went to a restaraunt, which was quite a rare treat for me. When they asked me what I wanted to drink, I naturally ordered a chocolate milkshake — how often can you just ask for whatever you want to drink and get it? My parents just drank water though. I was a bit puzzled, and asked them why they didn’t get milkshakes. They told me that grown-ups don’t drink milkshakes. I was stunned. I didn’t say anything, but I made a similar vow, that I would never not get a milkshake just because I was grown-up. Although it did occur to me that I might not like milkshakes forever, and I decided if that happened, I wouldn’t drink them then. I was a pretty sophisticated kid.

I wonder which experience came first?

Nowadays, I still drink milkshakes (I’m 31), and my room has subtly multi-colored plants, suns, and designs sculpted in relief over the walls. My basement is filled with musical instruments, and has a cast iron candelabra, other various candleholders, and gargoyles hiding in the corners, including two holding up a small pair of speakers on one wall. The carpet is black. I admit I wasn’t thinking of your book when I decorated, I didn’t even “remember” it until recently. That’s just the way I wanted it. But maybe that’s an even more sincere form of flattery than imitation…

Daniel replies:

I don't think reading (as opposed to burning) THE EDUCATION OF ROBERT NIFKIN will do you any actual harm. And, it contains decorating ideas you may like. I haven't had a milkshake in ages. It's not that I'm copping out...worse...there aren't any places that have decent ones anywhere near where I live. We've tried making them at home, but it's just not the same as being handed one by a wretched teenager.


Julie

Post #760 – 19981019

October 19, 1998

Dear Mr. Pinkwater,

I just wanted to tell you something. Several months ago a boy named David whom I had recently met wrote to you asking for advice. An excerpt: …let me just say that a girl I know told me of her undying love for you and your work. And, needless to say, I wish to impress this girl by reading at least one of your books. So I just want to know which book you recommend, and if you think I am foolish to try to woo someone by so obviously and deliberately attempting to find a common bond…

And you replied:

David — Well, it’s clear your education has been woefully neglected, and you can only hope that the young woman, who is obviously too good for you, will be willing to associate with you on the basis of having read only one book of mine.

I am that girl, of course, and when I found out about his question I was quite happy. I’d just like to tell you that I have now proclaimed him my one and only, and I got him to get a copy of 5 Novels, too. 🙂

Julie

Daniel replies:

You are a great woman, and you are doing a great thing by loving and educating an unlettered lout. Do not weaken. There are many more books by me, and he must read them. You don't want him to remain sane when you turn into a demented drooling idiot.


Natalie Jacobean

Post #759 – 19981018

October 18, 1998

dear Daniel Pinkwater,

my husband heard your essay (public radio) on what sounded like the cat from hell and he would like me to hear or read it. where would we find it? thanks,

Natalie Jacobean

Daniel replies:

What essay on the cat from Hell was that? Did he hear it on All Things Considered, or on Chinwag Theater? Certain commentaries of mine are collected into two books, FISHWHISTLE and CHICAGO DAYS, HOBOKEN NIGHTS, both out of print and hard to find. There are also some cassettes floating around, put out by a disgraceful outfit in California. They're hard to find too, not that I mind, since they have never sent me a royalty statement, and appear to have done other bad things. 
I have literally hundreds of those commentaries on the disk, and some of them aren't actually bad, plus some that are in the two collections could be reprinted. So, there's no reason some publisher couldn't bring out a book of them, except one: The first two didn't make a big enough profit...which is to say, they made a profit, but not an obscene one. So, knowing this, no publisher is interested in doing another one. That's how business decisions are made. I will now type a smiley-face :)


Alex Kasprak

Post #758 – 19981016

October 16, 1998

You are the funniest author I have ever read. We have exactly the same sense of humor. Could you send me a funny paragraph story with the following words: parrot, post office, aquaglow, beeblebork.

Thank you. I will look forward to your paragraph story.

Sincerely,

Alex Kasprak

Daniel replies:

Having just made love under water, we were enjoying the aquaglow, when the phone rang. It was the Postmaster, B.B.LeBork, who said, ""We're down here at the post office, and your parrot has arrived by 4th class mail. It appears to be dead.""
""Maybe it's just pining for the fjords,"" I said.


Eric Wright

Post #756 – 19981015

October 15, 1998

Daniel,you are such the man!I’ve read most of your books and I have to say that you’re a total genius!!I loved “Borgel” and “Lizard Music”.I’ve reccomended you to all my friends.You have to be the coolest author ever.I love you,man!You just ROCK!!!

Daniel replies:

You know, I think I'm fairly cool myself...I mean, obviously I write stuff I like, or why bother? I probably don't like it as much as you do, but then I have to spend a lot of time with it, and I've got a really good education...but I like it. A lot of people who like my stuff, including professionals who have to write about it, are in the habit of saying that I'm, ""weird,"" or, ""warped,"" or, ""avant-garde."" This isn't true. I'm really a quite conventional writer. What I am is funny. Many people are embarrassed or uncomfortable with the idea of things that are funny. They refer to them as weird, and seem embarrassed that they like them. Why is that?


Liz Balog

Post #757 – 19981015

October 15, 1998

Dear Mr. Pinkwater,

I was totally blown away by your essay about growing up in Hollywood, aired today on All Things Considered. My husband would really appreciate the piece. How can I get a copy?

I plan to introduce my kids (5,2) to your books too. Thanks for a great ending to my afternoon.

Daniel replies:

Thanks for your kind comment. Here is how you can (possibly) get a copy of the piece you heard on All Things Considered: 
1.) You can call National Public Radio and try to buy a transcript of the entire program, for something like $15...which may or may not have my commentary on it when you get it, (I do not understand how they do things at NPR, which puts me ahead because they never do them the same way twice anyway.) 2. Make sure your local public radio station carries my program, ""Chinwag Theater,"" on which I recycle commentaries, and should get around to this one sooner or later. Thank you.


David Jacobowitz

Post #755 – 19981010

October 10, 1998

What is Charity really like?

Cousin Jeff asked me to pass on his cartoon web site address:

www.danzigercartoons.com .

I don’t have your direct e-mail address, so I rely on the good folks at disignfoundry to pass this on.

JAKOBOVITS

Daniel replies:

Charity is like a really nice virtue, and when you do an act of charity you feel really good, plus God notices, and when you die and go to the next world you get a room facing the ocean, and not over the kitchen, and you get your laundry back in two days.


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