ray lehrman

August 23, 2006

HEARD you and a PRI announcer doing The Cremation of Sam McGee and it reminded you of the parod I wrote for my daughter to celebrate her becoming a lcensed polce officer in Anchorage, some 15 years ago.

Thought you might enjoy it.

RL

THE PROBATION OF OFFICER LEHRMAN
There are strange things done in the Midnight Sun
By the officers in blue,
Each city street could tell tales so neat
Of the amazing things they do.
On Northern Ligths we've seen strange sights,
But the the strangest we ever did see
Was that night in the snow
When officer Lehrman had to pee.
Officer Lehrman was a PTA Chairman
Before she joined the force.
Mother of five, glad to be alive,
And just over a new divorce.
So she took the test and she beat the rest
And got through Acadamy.
Buit she didn't know that at forty-below
It would be so hard to pee.
She was bundled around witha sixteen-pound
Belt with cuffs, nightstick and gun
And a Kevlar vest hung off of her chest
But she wasn't having much fun.
The problem, you see, was she had to pee
But she couldn't leave her post.
So she waved off cars from the neighbohood bars
Like a frozen flashlighted ghost.
it ws Christmas Eve and a guy named Steve
Had taken too much to drink,
Ran out of the bar and drove off in his car
Without taking time to think.
Lehrman aimed for the john when her radio went on With a code that froze her gizzard.
Old Steve, who was smashed, caused a ten-car crash
On Northern Lights in the blizzard.
Out in the street she stood and it didn't feel good
In all that gear, you see
Holding her legs together in forty-below weather
Cause Officer Lehrman had to pee.
So she clenched her teeth and all beneath
Till a break in the traffic showed,
And she slipped arond back of a tarpaper shack
And she hoped that nobody knowed.
She tore off her gear, with people real near, 
And God, how good it felt
To squat and pee on bended knee
And keep it away from your belt.
To straighten your back when the traffic came back
to get back out on the street.
And to finally know that at forty-below
There's just no way to stay sweet.
Now Lehrman's a woman who is only human,
And she cares for each officer brother.
She's a real good sport, so she said with a snort,
Let's each look out for the other.
The drunks out tonight put safe drivers to flight.
They drive as if they can't think.
And out in your cars these fools from the bars
Can make each of you wish for a drink.
So Officer Lehrman,ex-PTA Chairman
Who could hardly wait intil morning
Talked to each without trying to preach,
And gave this solemn warning:
Tonight if you're cursed with a helluva thirst,
And near Northern Lights you go,
Please be nice, take my advice, and don't eat yellow snow.
There are strange things done in the Midnight SAun
By the officers in blue,
Each city street could tell tales so neat
Of the amazing things they do.
On Northern Ligths we've seen strangest sights,
But the the strangest we ever did see
Was that night in the snow
When officer Lehrman had to pee.

(Apologies to Robert Service.)

Congratulations! You have written the one-zillionth poem in the manner of Robert W. Service....and probably the most tasteful one. Your imitation wolverine-skin certificate will arrive by 4th class mail.