Daniel replies:

First, I must tell you that snarking was an art form better practiced in a less perilous period. My own snarking experiences--some of my records still standing today--did not include a single note of danger. That was then. Be advised. I suggest virtual snarking. I also have to tell you that there is a specific number of Chicago hot dogs one can eat over a lifetime--this number varying from person to person--before a fatal result. The University of Chicago is one of the most cheerless and depressing places on the planet--nothing can be done to help your cousin. Troops of strolling clowns with banjos would be swallowed up in the gloom. You might advise him to transfer. I am sorry to have such information to covey.