Cat M. Purplefluff

November 22, 2000

Post #1209 – 20001122

dear mr. pinkwater,

my name is (one resurrected) cat m. purplefluff. i have just recently been intruduced to your excellent literature by a very dear friend of mine and today finished reading young adult novel and the hoboken chicken emergency. i immediately changed the heading of my message board to “every boy should have a chicken”. i hope you don’t mind.

but that is not why i am writing to you. about a month ago, late at night (i am a chronic insomniac, it is currently 2 am in my lovely home of chicago vast northern suburbia) i decided to look up the name of the boy on whom i am currently placing my affections on an internet seach engine, just for fun, to see what comes up. well, what came up was a message he posted here on this very message forum over a year ago to tell you all about the dada ducks club that he started at our highschool. well, after reading that i remembered all about how he and some of my other eccentric male friends had all taken names from daniel pinkwater books (it was a long time before i ceased to be confused as to why the president of mexico was living in america and attending my highschool). due to this rememberence, i decided that i should go to the library and check out some daniel pinkwater books in an effort to better understand my dear friend, who happens to be the boy on whom i have currently placed my affections.

well, tonight i decided, in my boredom and perhaps delirium from a weeklong fever that i have been running, to spend several hours reading the entire archive of this message forum to see what else this certain young male might have posted to you about. through this search, i discovered that this boy once proposed marriage to a mutual friend of ours. at first i was hurt that he came to you for advice when i had so dilligently given him advice on other girls on whom he had placed his affection (he called me answerman). but then i began to wonder why he has yet to propose to me? so, i now seek your advice, how does a girl who just happens to be approxametely 70 lbs short of being the same weight as henrietta get an attractive young daniel pinkwater fan to propse marriage to her?

i am very fond of this young man and have no desire to jeopardize our friendship, i have told him as much. i have absolutely no interest in romantic escapades or mushy, cheesy things having to with kissing (yuck), or dating (double yuck), or all of those other lovey-dovey things that people do in order to make others around them feel uncomfortable. it is just that i have never been proposed to before, and i think that it would be fun to have a young man so fond of me that he feels compelled to propose. what should i do?

sincerely yours, (one resurrected) cat m. purplefluff

ps. in case you are interested the address to my message board is

pps. is it too late for me to become a duckette?

Daniel replies:

It is not often that I am asked to advise young women about how to acquire and secure the affections of young men. This is curious because, unlike many others, I actually know. Here is how it is done: Lasagna. Spare ribs. Potroast. Hot apple pie. Pastrami. I am glad to have been of help. It is never too late to be a duckette.